The universe is pushing me so hard this week to fight tooth and nail every day for this business of writing and editing that I give lip service to wanting to do, maybe as a reminder that if I don’t want it enough, it’ll vanish. I’m doing some atoning to myself, and getting back to my priorities. I know this is happening because I haven’t been paying attention, have been losing sight of my goals and not believing in myself. Time to reassess, refocus on the things I can change, and double down. I have to accept responsibility and am certainly paying a literal heavy penalty for these ongoing mistakes, and it’s definitely demoralizing to feel so Bad At Adulthood, especially when everyone I know seems to have figured it out. But I’ve always done my best work, whether in chess or school or whatever, when I get to rock bottom and realize if I don’t start making changes, I’ll drown. It’s so easy for me to forget what I’m here to do, no matter the forces that try to tell me otherwise.
I could focus my energy tilting at windmills, or pour that back into my passion. And really, that’s only one choice, or the direct route to what I’m sure would be hell. Closing and locking that door, and opening up new ones, and forgiving myself. I know I went to Dubai for a reason, and my job is to figure out why it was worth it, and live that, and write it down.