Today was one of my worst days of 2012, and that’s saying a lot. There was a lot of crying, the kind that makes your eyes and face and chest hurt. Some of it was in public. I am surprised I managed to finish an essay—far from my best work, but finished—and make it out to dinner, but I’m glad I did. Also made a therapist appointment that is probably long overdue. If I’m investing in myself with all this travel, I can invest in my mental health. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, and hopefully I can make some headway.
It’s very easy to start that downward spiral, and fall fast. I’ve been researching parody and satire law but it’s hard for me to touch any legal topic without berating myself for not finishing law school. Hindsight is a bitch. For now, I’m just glad this day is over, with all its hellishness. Tomorrow would be hard pressed to be worse, and at least I’ll get to see my boyfriend, and hopefully will manage not to cry in front of him, cause I’ve done that more than enough. And I actually don’t mind crying, when it’s cathartic, like throwing up and then feeling like you’ve resolved something, gotten it out of you, said goodbye to it. This crying was more like it wanted to leave its mark on me, remind me that no matter what I start writing or editing or working on, it will never be enough, and neither will I.