30th
Is it possible that Tsing Loh upset so many people with this essay not because she’s wrong, but because she’s right? As much as it pains the Protestant work ethic inside of us to admit it, maybe we should be allowed to have parts of our life that aren’t about work all the time. We allow a small amount of time for people to really enjoy their love lives, to not work at love at all, before they’re expected to settle down and start developing stress lines. The difference between liberal and conservative communities is how much time we’ll give you—obviously, conservatives would like to minimize the happy fun time by restricting birth control and abortion so that you have to settle down into your soul-sucking marriage as soon as possible, and liberals extend the freedom to grow up a little and find someone that’s a better fit.
But in both cases, actually asking whether or not we should call the whole thing off is completely out of the question. But that’s the question we should be asking. Marriage is failing people as an institution, and it’s time to stop trying minor modifications on the side, such as expanding the right to all people or making it easier to divorce, and consider broader changes. We could start by untying all the benefits that lure people into marriage and expanding them to all people—health insurance, hospital visitation rights, tax breaks—so that married people don’t get special status over the unmarried. If the married and unmarried are equal, more people will feel free to experiment with lifestyle choices that allow them to meet responsibilities without forsaking their own right to pursue happiness. And maybe, as an added bonus, we can get away from demanding that politicians present idealized marriages to get our votes, and then punish them when they’re not better at living up to the ideal than the rest of us.
